TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from area. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have A different place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have change-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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